My heart hurts. Today, two little boys that were kindergartners at Sandy Hook elementary are being buried. I can't stop crying every time I see one of those little faces cross my computer monitor or television screen. My heart hurts for the moms and dads that have their kid's list for Santa, but no longer have their little one. All of these tragedies cause me to hold my babies a little longer, tell them I love them a little more and just enjoy them because I know time is limited and no one knows when their time will be up.
Although all of these tragedies have caused sadness, this one hit hard. As my kids and husband can attest, I have been kind of a mess. Jaxson, my vibrant, intelligent, athletic, awesome first-born will be attending Kindergarten soon. He is four years old going on thirty. He is wise beyond his years, caring, compassionate and awesome, as I mentioned earlier. Last night, as I was crying my eyes out while watching a tribute to the victims on The Voice, my son asked why I was crying. I said I was just sad and that I love him and his sister more than he will ever know. I told him I never wanted anything bad to happen to him. He looked at me, put his right hand on my left shoulder and said, "Mom, don't cry. I will always be here for you." And then I proceeded to cry even harder because I can't stop thinking about those parents that lost the light of their lives.
After a long day at work on Monday, both kids were super clingy, whiny and fighting with each other, dinner still needed to be made, laundry needed to be done and bath time was quickly approaching. My daughter proceeded to do one of the things that kind of drives me up a wall. She got my rug from under the kitchen sink and drug it into the living room - I know what your thinking- no big deal, right? But when you place it back under the sink for the 18th time in one day, it bugs you a little bit (yes, I am a bit OCD). Instead of getting flustered, I looked at my husband and said there are 20 families that are wishing their child was doing that thing that drives them crazy.
The reason I wanted to write this blog today is because something needs to be done. I am physically scared to send my kids to school in fear that their innocence is a target for evil. I pray for them every time they leave my sight. As the saying goes, my heart is walking outside of my body. I know there is evil in this world. I know there is a huge lack of care for those with mental health issues. I have seen this first-hand from the care of my mother who suffers from bipolar disorder.
To be honest, I'm not sure what exactly needs to be done. There are so many contradicting answers and opinions to that question. I could argue all day about my opinions and not make any ground.
So instead of offering an opinion, I am going to challenge myself and maybe some of you will join me. I am challenging myself to be a better mom. I am going to be present to my kids. I am going to ask them tough questions and offer them advice. I'm going to listen and be there for them through anything. These kids are the light of my life. There is nothing more important. And yes, I am reminding myself of this because sometimes it's easy to let things of little to no importance get in the way.
As a human, I am going to be a better person and offer help to that person who pushes me outside of my comfort zone. I am going to love people because people are what matters most in this world. I am going to pray for compassion and humility and try to follow Christ's example of truly loving people. The problem starts with me. And my kids watch me. How can I expect my kids to be nice to someone different from them if I don't lead them by example?
I know, and you should know too, that I will not be perfect - only Jesus can do that, but I am going to try. Because I want different for my kids. And your kids, too.
Here is the link to the beautiful tribute that was on The Voice last night: http://youtu.be/B-SeKsVm7YE
